humor

Men can dust too

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Alex was mad, extremely mad, if  John was going to be honest with himself he would admit that she was livid. Livid enough that for the past three days she had given him the silent treatment, she had not spoken a single word to him since the “incident”. It wasn’t that he hadn’t ticked off a woman before, quite the opposite actually, but he hadn’t ticked off a woman who he lived with since he lived with his mother in high school.

Back then all he had to do to get back in her good graces was clean the house. It didn’t seem particularly logical but it was the best idea he had come up with so far. Maybe, just maybe, Alex would start speaking to him again if she came home to a sparkling, dust free apartment after work. Smiling to himself he believed he had figured it out, maybe living with a woman had given him a newfound sense of understanding. Precious information that perhaps he should share with his fellow man.

Several hours later; after all the scrubbing, dusting and vacuuming he could muster Alex walked in from work.

“Nice try”, was all she said as she sailed into her bedroom. John couldn’t help but to shout in return, “at least I got you to talk to me”!

The Laughing Seal

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Stumblin’, Rumblin’, and Bumblin’ John came tumbling out of his room onto Alex’s feet. Laying on his back John looked up and saw the look of pure annoyance of Alex’s face.

“Tell me Mr. Boxerman were you listening in on my date”?

John tried, tried earnestly to keep a very serious and straight face. It didn’t work as he burst out laughing, “tell me grand chef were you and your date having a serious conversation about the mating habits of penguins”?

Alex only glared at John as he literally rolled around on the floor laughing. How dare he invade her privacy by spying on her date. How dare he make fun of her date and their private conversation after spying on them, who did he think he was?

John was oblivious to the growing anger coming from Alex’s direction. She was quickly becoming furious, if possible, steam would be shooting out of her ears at that moment. John was laughing so hard that he was turning beet red and began to sound like a seal after one too many drinks. He was lost in a sea of laughter.

Alex seized the opportunity; she walked over to the sink and filled the largest glass she could find with ice cold water. With a look of pure determination Alex casually walked over to where the seal was still laughing on the floor and dumped the entire glass of water across his body.

Ninja-style

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John had told Alex that he was going to sit in his room; watch sports on his laptop with his headphones and a beer. He said he would leave her completely alone until her two hours were up, then he was going to brazenly stroll into the living room wearing only his boxers. John reminded himself that’s what he should do. In theory, was differentvastly different, than in reality.

John could not help himself as he slid off of his bed ninja-style and made his way towards the door. He had never witnessed Alex on a date, and it was really her fault for bringing him to their apartment, he had to listen in. Creeping up to the door John made sure not to make a single noise, he then pressed his ear to the door and waited; focusing all of his attention so that he could make sense of the muffled voices.

John stopped, he sat back from the door, after what he had just heard he couldn’t decide if he was shocked or just incredibly confused. If he was not mistaken the two of them were discussing the mating habits of penguins. Flustered he moved back towards the door to listen again, surely he must have not heard them correctly.

Pressing his ear closer he heard nothing, not a single sound. His mind began to race, he was both confused and increasingly concerned for Alex’s well being, who was that guy? Suddenly a click and he knew it was too late as he went tumbling forward, landing on Alex’s feet.

Could it be an underwear party?

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The two roommates began an intense staredown, neither one of them backing down. The tension was palpable, two strong wills locked in an epic battle.

“You invited a date to our apartment, obviously with enough time to prep a grand dinner and now this is my problem? You forgot to mention this to me at some point, any point during the week, I have news for you friend, this is your problem”.

Before Alex even had the opportunity to respond their argument was interrupted by the sound of someone knocking on the door. They were trapped, there was no way John could get out now, Alex entered the stage that came after desperation.

“Name your price, name anything, heck even take the metaphorical blank check if you will please just silently hide in your room for the next two hours”

John did not respond immediately, he took his time, enough time to make Alex nervous, “I am going to grab a couple of beers and I can watch the game on my laptop; but if he is not gone in exactly two hours I am coming out of my room wearing only my boxers. That is a promise”.

Not a good day

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Poor, poor unsuspeting John after perhaps the worst day he’d ever had at work he was all but mauled by Alex when he walked into their apartment.

“You have to leave right now, no time to ask questions, I will owe you for the rest of time anything you want, anything”.

If it had been any other female besides Alex he may have taken her up on the offer but not after the day he just had.

“The troll in accounting stalked and hassled me for four hours today; all I have to do is grab a beer and find a sport of some sort to watch. Back off.”

Unusre of what tact to use next Alex went to the oldest trick in the book, she took a deep breathe and focused all of her emotion so that she could do the one thing she knew would bring any man to his knees. With one short sniffle she let the flood of tears go, “You have to go I am expecting a date for dinner any minute” *sniff  *sniff “you simply cannot be here”.

John look at Alex dubiously, “cut it out I have seen your best fake tears before, I am immune”. Then it dawned on him what she actually said, “did you just say your date was coming here, any minute”?

 

 

Poor Timing

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Panic, panic was the only word Alex could think of when she heard the door click in the middle of her putting the chicken in the oven. Of all the obsessive compulsive things Alex had done to prepare for her date with the Dream Boat she had actually managed to forget to tell John about it.

John was about to walk in and James was expected to do the same within the next 15 minutes. Red Alert, Full blown panic, she needed a plan and she needed it desperately.

It’s not like she could just kick John out for the night, but it was also be beyond awkward to have them both there at the same time. Alex needed a bribe and she needed it now, what could she possibly come out with in this critical moment?

When bad turns to oh so good

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Generally Alex would have spent days pouting over and then plotting revenge against that evil, evil old lady. However, being called a harlot actually managed to bring her a very good stroke of luck. After the incident Alex stormed off to her, go to coffee shop for emotional release and that’s where she met him.

James was his name and he was so very pretty standing in front of her in line. The smile he gave Alex made her heart melt, and when he bought her coffee she thought she would turn into a giggling school girl. The conversation the two of them shared for the next two hours was the best she had experienced in a long time with a new man.

He was perfection, he was light; she was exaggerating but that did not stop her from inviting him to her place for dinner later that week.