Some lines strong than ever, other merely a trite formality –
What purpose do they serve?
Is it to keep something or someone out?
I think, much to my disappointment, it is to keep –
Sometimes the truth is only revealed when you are not listening – words are spoken but often nothing is said.
The breathing, the stammer, the inability to look me in the eye.
Many things hurt but some deeper than others. People put value on certain things but ultimately all we seek is appreciation – no matter how small.
To find out value is nothing – appreciation more than fleeting.
The shock shatters but be weary of the pyschological decimation.
Self appreciation your only solace.
In the heat of the summer solstice I am reminded of something –
You could even say it’s someone.
There is just something about the warm nights –
Young and old people don’t sleep early, they stay up late, allowing their imaginations to play with their fantasies.
I can visualize you. I can visualize the future.
In the middle of the night hunched over the table, a single bead of sweat will drop onto my journal.
The page wears it like a badge of courage.
It could be a tear to the untrained eye, they will be stuck wondering if it was for happiness or for pain.
It was neither,
It was both,
It was something I long for.
There is a battle within-
I like to believe that it is not just me but I cannot be certain –
I am trapped within the uncertainty of it all.
My imagination absorbs me whenever my focus falters.
To live in fantasy is dangerous –
To live in reality is deadly –
Where is my place?
They warm my skin which in turn warms my soul.
Optimism rises from the heat and mingles with the cold drink in my hand.
Memories dance across my mind – Images flash and laughter echoes.
The freedom of summer dwindles a bit each year with age in a literal sense
You can keep it alive within you.
There is comfort there- provided by the trunk, the branches and the leaves.
The hard ground is a companion.
I am able to prepare while lurking.
I am not waiting to launch an attack but rather waiting for myself.
Waiting to be ready to step into the sun for I know this time there will be no retreat.
If I leave again I can never go back into the shade.
Once in the sun all flaws will be revealed and I must no I have to accept them.
Never again shady.
Fleeting yet consistent-
enlightening yet bland.
Some mornings it greets me with the sun’s rays. Most nights it hugs me as I hunt for the stars among the clouds.
Occasionally, it hides, it runs, it completely escapes from sight.
If only I could control hope, or
I pretend that every sliver that’s chipped away is nothing but a superficial chink in my armor.
The tears fall one by one, subtlety enough that you only see me with clear eyes.
It’s not your fault I claw so desperately to the cliff knowing that this time the fall would be too much.
All of it has become too much.
I will have to accept that, my greatest fear is to accept that.
Would you accept me?
I learned long, long ago but I can’t help myself.
I pretend regret won’t matter but it is going to be my only emotion tomorrow.
Too much fun, together we are perfect in the moment.
The next moment has no guarantee.
Will I ever outgrow it? Do I want to outgrow it?
Some things are good to keep youthful.
They said it then,
they say it now,
that April showers bring May Flowers.
Said with such optimism and hope but
if you think about it,
it’s quite the battle of wills.
Nature versus nature.
They need each other to thrive but
the balance is tenuous at best.
There is a special type of beauty to be found in survival.
HIKE. BIKE. DRINK.
College Level Drinking, Elementary Level Writing
A Poet's Journey by Manivillie Kanagasabapathy
An introvert's guide to the human experience