Up with the sun, not a moment spared.
A life in frenzy –
A frenzy of life –
Then the sun disappears.
Each evening it goes away earlier and earlier
The shorter the day the less we tend to live it.
It’s more than a physical or mental exhaustion.
I hear their thoughts and they are not welcome.
The clock becomes useless, everything stops, when the day is long.
Allow me to float away.
Sometimes the truth is only revealed when you are not listening – words are spoken but often nothing is said.
The breathing, the stammer, the inability to look me in the eye.
Many things hurt but some deeper than others. People put value on certain things but ultimately all we seek is appreciation – no matter how small.
To find out value is nothing – appreciation more than fleeting.
The shock shatters but be weary of the pyschological decimation.
Self appreciation your only solace.
In the heat of the summer solstice I am reminded of something –
You could even say it’s someone.
There is just something about the warm nights –
Young and old people don’t sleep early, they stay up late, allowing their imaginations to play with their fantasies.
I can visualize you. I can visualize the future.
In the middle of the night hunched over the table, a single bead of sweat will drop onto my journal.
The page wears it like a badge of courage.
It could be a tear to the untrained eye, they will be stuck wondering if it was for happiness or for pain.
It was neither,
It was both,
It was something I long for.
There is a battle within-
I like to believe that it is not just me but I cannot be certain –
I am trapped within the uncertainty of it all.
My imagination absorbs me whenever my focus falters.
To live in fantasy is dangerous –
To live in reality is deadly –
Where is my place?
There is comfort there- provided by the trunk, the branches and the leaves.
The hard ground is a companion.
I am able to prepare while lurking.
I am not waiting to launch an attack but rather waiting for myself.
Waiting to be ready to step into the sun for I know this time there will be no retreat.
If I leave again I can never go back into the shade.
Once in the sun all flaws will be revealed and I must no I have to accept them.
Never again shady.
I pretend that every sliver that’s chipped away is nothing but a superficial chink in my armor.
The tears fall one by one, subtlety enough that you only see me with clear eyes.
It’s not your fault I claw so desperately to the cliff knowing that this time the fall would be too much.
All of it has become too much.
I will have to accept that, my greatest fear is to accept that.
Would you accept me?
Nothing more crushing than expectation.
Brilliance forced into a cage.
Expression forbidden as if it were a crime.
The downfall so easy to see that to call it cliche would be trite.
Disappointing none the less, who knows what great discoveries will continue to go unseen.
What life left unlived?
HIKE. BIKE. DRINK.
College Level Drinking, Elementary Level Writing
A Poet's Journey by Manivillie Kanagasabapathy
An introvert's guide to the human experience